Ann Martorano is an excellent vocalist, shown here dressed in blue, but she doesn't sing the blues.
NEW SMYRNA BEACH -- I had a musician friend of mine who is a blues musician ( he won’t play any other style of music no matter how much you pay him) send me this memo. It is adorable and so true. Musicians and non-musicians will laugh and enjoy. My wife Ann is an excellent vocalist. She has performed with me in concert all over the world. I kid her all the time about not being able to “sing the blues.”
She is well educated, comes from a good upper class family, doesn’t have any real bad habits, is happily married (to me), has a wonderful and successful career, is respected by everyone in the community and has three Bichon Frise that adore her. She is a wonderful song stylist, but without any of the qualities described below, is not capable of singing the blues. It takes a certain kind. I am not a blues singer. I am a song stylist ,but I too have had none of the qualities listed below to qualify me as a blues singers.
Check out the following and let me know if you can “sing the blues”
1. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.
2. The blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes -- sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like an ugly lady and she weigh 500 pound."
3. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or sport utility vehicles.
4. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
5. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
6. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
7. You can't have “no” blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. Now you got the blues
8. Good places for the blues: a) highway b) jailhouse c) empty bed d). bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places for the Blues: a) Nordstrom's b.) Gallery openings c). Ivy League Institutions d). golf courses
9. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods can sing the blues. Obama can’t.
10. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a). cheap wine b). whiskey or bourbon c). muddy water d) nasty black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Perrier b) Chardonnay c).Snapple d). Slim Fast or Gatorade.
11. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
12. Some blues names for women: a). Sadie b). Big Mama c). Bessie d). Fat River Dumpling.
13. Some blues names for men: a.) Joe b).Willie c). Little Willie d) Big Willie
14.Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
15. Don't care how tragic your life -- if you own a computer, a DVD or Surround Sound you cannot sing the blues.
16. People with the Blues eat barbecue, corn bread, beans, and their last meal.
17. Good blues instruments: guitar, slide trombone, saxophone, and harmonica.
18. Bad blues instruments: everything else, especially the oboe, French Horn, and Cello.
19. You got the blues if you have lumbago or a bad back. You don't have the blues if you have a mental disorder ending in "syndrome."
20. Blues jobs include working on the railroad, picking cotton, musician, or just got fired.
21. Blues animals include the junkyard dog and mule (not donkey).
22. Blues animals do not include Bichon Frises, French Puddles, Afghans or Chihuahuas.
What do you think? Can you qualify as a blues singer.