EDGEWATER -- There are several areas we are going to tackle to make a teen respect your authority without pulling your hair out. They are in the areas of school work, house chores/rules, and friendship picking.
How does one achieve such authority with a defiant soul that believes everyone is out to get them? With patience and fortitude, you continue to do what you know is right and best for that teen. However, when our knowledge is at a wits end because if we feel we do not know, we can turn to others for help.
Here are few tips to help make your discipline make sense and not feel so out of this world. As you may have notice, I do not stand against corporal punishment only against child abuse. But do I believe in spanking a teenager. Hardly. Yet, there are those chosen few who have never seen a rod and need a little help in that area. Even then I try to shy away from the rod method. Teens are capable of changing under dures -- smile. As we all are, be it for good or bad. Yet, our goal is to produce excellent independent citizens.
Tip No. 1: Change your speech
How does one make school matter? How would you convey the concept to a teen without the most common proverbial “your going to need it when you get older” verbiage? You take each moment as it comes and capitalize on it? You do not give them “the” speech Here goes: you have not been really drilling in to their heads the importance of school throughout the years with little anecdotes like: I remember when I was in school, we use to have so much fun. One day in… class… we did… hahahahaha... those were the days. Yours must be so much better. Or the additive in the morning: have more fun at school than I do at work because you will miss it. If you don’t, then start now.
Change your speech. What you convey to your teen matters. It is never too late to start a better conversation. When you wake up the next school morning, instead of screaming and yelling, stay calm. Whatever your routine in the morning end it with: Have fun at school today. Or have more fun at school than I would have at work. Or Enjoy the day, especially that annoying teacher of yours. After a couple of weeks attitudes should begin to pick up with this one tip
Tip No. 2: Matter-of-fact small discussions is better than everything
When they come home, matter-of-factly ask what happened at school today that you considered fun? Change the conversation. Don’t be so quick to rush them into getting the homework completed or remind them of the chore they didn’t complete after countless warnings. Do you know their teachers so you can ask about a specific class they are failing. Start frivolous conversations and expect answers by being quiet long enough to hear it. If they do not respond after 30 seconds it tells you they are sure you are not interested.
That is a sure sign you have never had this conversation before and you are simply being annoying.
Be annoying and ask anyway. Repharse the question. Let them know that you are listening and that you actually wanted an answer. With that conversation you can now move into why they feel that way
Tip No. 3: Their illegitimate feelings matter No matter how stupid they sound
Shut up and listen to the whole story before you jump in. yes, in the beginning 90% of their thought patterns towards a particular topic where they do not want direction will sound stupid. Yet, that is not your goal.
Your goal is to change that thought patter to ensure they are productive citizens. So be quiet and listen. Let them usher out their feelings that matches with their thougth towards school Now you have a conversation in the making. Begin to mold that conversation towards proper thoughts
Tip No. 4: Lead all conversation towards school being great for them
Teen: Today was the dumbest day. That teacher is so stupid Parent: really, what teacher? What they do now (smiling, snickering, or any attitude that shows little care, kind of like them. But you must be really listening now)?
Teen: She was like you guys don’t do anything. If you don’t study you will fail my class. Stop talking. Half of you are failing and don’t even care Blah blah blah. Then she was like put away your phone before I confiscate it. I was like, I was just looking at the time. She was like that is what the clock is for. I was like ugh. She is so rude all the time. She could have just ask me nicely to put it away She is always calling us stupid.
Parent: All that in one class. That is your opportunity to prove her wrong. Get out of her class. Get a really high grade to show her who is boss. Don’t you agree? Teen: yeah, I guess. She is just so annoying. Always running her mouth like a crazy person.
Parent: Well, like I said. Get out of there as quick as possible. You know if you fail the class it will be your luck you will have her again. Hahahaa. Then she will confiscate your phone then. And guess what, All day and no texting (whoever they text all day, you should know that). And don’t be rude calling that grown woman a crazy person. Whether she is or not is none of your concern. She’s married right…then that is her husband’s problem. Make light of the matter. She is only venting about the situation.
Everything is a big deal with teenagers. Remember it is the war we are trying to win and not the little battles. This way you can teach valuable lessons: calling an adult rude names, letting her see that the teachers attitude should not affect her ability to pass, point out the importance of learning, and avoid asking the questions teens hate to hear: Is that why you are failing because you always have your phone out? I see why you can’t get an ‘A’ in the class. Stop talking and listen. Put away your phone. The phone was not the issue.
The fact she will fail the class and hate school due to her view of the teacher is the real issue. To be honest, if the phone was the issue she would have started with that. She started with what bothered her most: She said we will not pass the class. She made reference to it twice and then the phone.
Tip 5: Ask about their future in many ways as possible Understanding school is essential is simply saying it every day. Asking them what their interests are and taking them to places that can explore that interest is important. I have twin 13-year-olds.
One is constantly changing her mind. One month it was a tennis player. We bought her a used racket and took her to lessons. She quit that. She then wanted to be a lawyer like her brother, a chef like Ramsey, a baker like Cake Boss, and an athlete like Jordan. Just last week she was settling for a pilot/engineer until she fail Mr. Peterson’s test.
She played the piano for months, waking one of good friends early on Saturday mornings to teach her. She stopped that, too. Nevertheless, we encourage each one. Why? Because when she is older, living in our spare room is not an option.
The only ingredient I failed to mention is she is not allowed to quit anything until she has exhausted every avenue. We learned quickly with the tennis thing in third grade. Now she can play the piano, quite adept at baking, and enjoys cooking every now and then, yes, at 13. With that attitude, we have instilled that quitting is not an option which have transcended to school. She is always striving to get her grades higher and surpass her last grades.
Authoritative discipline does not mean a harsh word or mean spirit. It means understanding when it is time to put your foot down. They must know who the authority is. They must understand when they start something they must complete the action.
How do those help in school you may ask? Simple, it teaches stickability (yes, coined already).
Regardless, of how tough it is or who may be your obstacle, you must maintain the course. When the teacher annoys you, when the homework is overwhelming, when the school food is atrocious, or even when your tutors breath kill small horses the only choice is staying the course. You put your foot down gentle and keep it firm in the position for every tip. No need to stomp your decision into their heads. A firm authoritative discipline does it every time.
Now if only I could get my 4-year-old to follow these tips, I could win the Nobel Peace Prize.