EDGEWATER -- When dealing with teenagers, being abrasive, snide, snippy, and sarcastic is never a route to take. Applying doses of unconditional love and mounds of authoritative discipline makes every situation more manageable on your end as a parent.
We must remember, as parents, the goal is to produce productive independent citizens. We must be willing to endure the “interesting” years to harvest years of joy when their senses have returned.
Therefore, here are few key tips to keep the unconditional love and authoritative discipline flowing in the home. Teenagers are not always going to love what you have to say. Just as long as what you say is going to produce productive independent citizens then their opinion is irrelevant.
Tip No. 1: Know What Unconditional love is and how to apply it effectively Unconditional love is just that. It is unconditional with no strings attached.
No buts, maybes, or pauses. You do not hold your love at ransom. I have seen so many parents do that. They tell their child they will do something for them and then withhold love/affection when the child’s action does not follow a rule.
That is a form of manipulation. Now the teen is learning how to manipulate someone when he or she does something out of emotion that is wrong. It also says your love is conditional. It is conditional on their behavior at all times. If you are angry at your child, do not withhold something to “teach them a lesson.” No lesson was learned except, “I just pissed off mom or dad and now I get nothing.”
They will just continue to piss you off, knowing it gets you angry and they are secretly justified. That only produces a circle of harbored resentment. Does that mean they will not learn from the mistake? No it does not. Deal with that situation differently. The consequence for slamming the door when spoken to should have nothing to do with what was promised.
Let them learn how to differentiate between bad behavior and love. Love does not hold grudges. Give the item promised. Discuss the slamming of the door. Give a warning if it was never done before. If it is done again, put the warning into effect.
Let them learn how to differentiate between bad behavior and love. Love does not hold grudges. Give the item promised. Discuss the slamming of the door. Give a warning if it was never done before. If it is done again, put the warning into effect.
For example, "If you slam another door in my house you will live without one." Then take his or her door off the hinge. Or find any other method that may not be so extreme, i.e., cleaning the house, no friends for the weekend etc. You can add “You can’t go spend the night because if you can’t respect my rules, I’m too embarrassed that you won’t respect another adult's rule.”
Be creative with the consequence. Have fun with it, but do not ruin your love for them or their perception of true love for you.
Tip No. 2: Exert authoritative discipline. Put your foot down and mean it. Stand your ground with your chin held high. If you’re wrong, apologize and try not to repeat the infraction on your part (that’s another part of unconditional love). When they are wrong, be ready to administer fair and objective discipline. For example, if your teen decides he or she will not come home at curfew, love them but give the punishment swiftly. It does not mean to abuse your authority, then he or she will never come to respect authority. It means to let them know who is boss and who is in charge of the home without wrecking their spirit.
Here’s a conversation to follow: Child: “sorry I’m late. Tina couldn’t find her keys and I had to help her look” (or whatever lame excuse they provided, trust me I gave thousands). Parent: “Did she find them?” (Actually listen, it trips them up…smile) “I’m happy she did. Now you know this is the third time you were late what are we going to do about it. You want to pick a punishment or should I.” Note: If you have done this quite a few times, they are on to you and always pick the easy punishment. At that point, you pick.
Notice, the child has disobeyed the rule three times after the rule has been set and I’m sure agreed upon. “Great, I’ll pick. Give me those keys. This way you won’t be late anymore because I’ll pick you up and drop you off from now on.” Case closed. No screaming. No yelling. Consequence given lesson learned.
The child is either angry or embarrassed that their car has been taken away. Even if the child does not drive, inform them that you will be getting them and take them to their destination this way they won’t have a chance to get in trouble with you. Show them how it is for their good. It may take a little practice to come up with some quick-witted response. However, remember they are late or have disobeyed the rules. By the time you get to them or find out, you will have ample time to calm down and come up with the best things. They will thank you later.
Tip No. 3: Combine the two. Never do one without the other. When a child has become downright disrespectful and out of touch with reality, then you must invoke both actions in order to remedy the situation and keep a parent-child relationship intact. When the actions of the teen is so egregious that is calls for yelling, walk away calm down and get ready to lay down the law with love and appropriate actions.
For example, if your child is a straight-A student and he or she is choosing to slip in their grades due to laziness and creating a mindset of “what does it matter anyway,” it is time for fast action with serious consequences. If the report card shows some C’s and he or she is not having difficulty in the class, then you must act quickly. This will demonstrate your believe in his or her future, ideals on higher education, your response to lazy actions and/or behavior, as well as, your low tolerance for slacking off due to a “matter-of-fact” attitude.
The consequence can be as simple as making them study during the times they would have gone out or as serious as not going anywhere for the next nine weeks (next report card) until those grades have improved. It depends upon the child and his or her attitude. Does that mean you do not let them go out to dinner with you and the rest and the family due to the infraction? No, that is not unconditional love that is showing an excessive use of your power and status. Never over punish. Yet, exerting authoritative discipline with unconditional love will allow that child to grow normally and never except foolishness from their children or spouse. The three tips are simple that: tips. It is up to you to accept or reject the ideal.
However, I have found it to work with all teenagers even if they are not your own. Here is an example from my days as a teacher. I use to work in Chinatown in New York with Honor students. This one particular child was a master of manipulation. We shared the same birthday that she made known to everyone. She would publicize it and keep the countdown days going. She even claimed to enjoy the same music as I. She was a bright young lady with the exceptional gift to tell a story.
Nevertheless, I graded objectively and one day she received a C-. She was not very happy about it and began to do some devious things. To make a long story short, I was called to the principal’s office to clear up a few mishaps on her part. It was a long weekend.
Of course, the school was all abuzz with “what had happened”. Everyone was expecting me to “let her have it” and so was she. This is where unconditional love and authoritative discipline is exercised. I came into class welcomed everyone started my class. When the question and answer portion began, I called on her and she shot back an answer with disdain (obviously, out of embarrassment). I addressed it like this: “Young lady, watch your tone, did I do something to you to make you answer me like that?” She did not respond.
With that said, I rephrased the question and waited for an answer. She responded, “Whatever!”
I called her out of class and said this: "What you did I did not appreciate it and don’t expect it to happen again." I let her know that I knew why she answered like that. I let her know that I had already forgiven her for what she did and I have no ill will. I continued to say, “But I promise you, if you ever in your life lie on me again it will not go so well and I think you owe the class an apology for getting them mixed up in this mess. What do you think? Is what im saying bull? Do you think you owe them one or not,” to make a longer conversation shorter.
She understood and apologized to the class. And we went on and winded up celebrating our birthday together with cake, balloons, etc. I am the godmother to both her children. It is not a matter of who is right, but what is right. You must be willing to swallow being right to keep someone from going down a path of wrong behavior.
Stick to your guns. Plant your feet. Make them recognize their folly but, with no strings attached.
Stick to your guns. Plant your feet. Make them recognize their folly but, with no strings attached.
I did not love her because I wanted to. I loved her because it was needed. Try it regardless of the folly of the nit-witted young person. Look beyond where they are and look to what they can become. Then the discipline would easily match the aggravation they just caused you.
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