NEW SMYRNA BEACH -- Time after time I have been asked what is infidelity? How do I know if my partner is cheating on me?
A new kind of infidelity is one of the biggest threats to marriage: emotional affairs. A nonsexual relationship can be just as intense a sexual one and most studies show that eventually they lead to sexual activity.
According to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends, 80% of emotional relationships, cross over into sexual encounters sooner or later. Can Emotional Affairs be Addictive?
To understand the intensity of emotional infidelity, it helps to see the dynamics as an addiction, a form of addictive love. It’s easier to let go of a toxic pattern when you depersonalize the experience. It’s not about how special the person is or makes you feel, it’s about the neurochemicals that get activated when you think and behave a certain way that keeps you stuck in the damaging pattern.
It isn’t a coincidence that persons with sexual addiction or other addiction issues are more likely to get into toxic relationships. Seeing the problem as an addiction gives you access to proven steps to identify and break free of the toxic patterns.
An addiction to an activity, person or substance activates the brains dopamine system, also known as the reward or pleasure pathway. Once activated the brain does not allow an individual to think clearly and make informed choices, it also lowers or numbs the pain, shame and guilt, as it provides distance from taking responsibility to resolve the real issues of life and marriage, which are probably quite painful.
An addiction has been described as an irrational and pathological attempt to find wholeness, happiness, and peace through a relationship with an object, person or event. Typical lies you tell yourself or partner when having an emotional affair.
An addiction has been described as an irrational and pathological attempt to find wholeness, happiness, and peace through a relationship with an object, person or event. Typical lies you tell yourself or partner when having an emotional affair.
1. Thinking and saying you’re ‘just friends’ with opposite-sex. If you’ve been thinking or saying, “we’re just friends,” think again. If it’s a member of the opposite sex, you may be swimming in treacherous waters. The very words are dangerous to your marriage. This rationale allows you to make excuses, or more plainly, to tell lies (to yourself and others) about something you know in your gut is wrong. Regardless how strongly TV and entertainment promote the idea of opposite-sex friendships (and this is part of the problem!) as not only ‘okay,’ but also ‘right’ to demand unconditional trust, in most cases, an intimate friendship with a member of the opposite-sex that you find interesting and attractive poses risks.
2. Treating them as a confidant, sharing intimate issues. Sharing thoughts and deepest concerns, hopes and fears, passions and problems is what deepens intimacy; it builds an emotional bond between two people, time better used in marriage relationship. Giving this away to another person, regardless of the justification, is infidelity, a betrayal of trust. This is especially true when you consider that emotional intimacy is the most powerful bond in human relationships, much stronger than a sexual one.
3. Discussing troubling aspects of your marriage and partners. Talking or venting to a person of the opposite sex about what your marriage lacks, what your partner lacks, or what you’re not getting to make you happy sends a loud message that you’re available for someone else to ‘love and care’ for your needs. It’s also a breach of trust. And, like gossip, it creates a false sense of shared connection, and an illusion that you, your happiness, your comfort and needs are totally valued by this person (when, in truth, this has not been put to the test!).
4. Comparing them verbally and mentally to your partner. Another danger sign is a thinking pattern that increasingly finds what is ‘positive’ and ‘just right’ about the friend and ‘negative’ and ‘unfulfilling’ about the partner. This builds a case ‘for’ the friend and ‘against’ the partner. Another mental breach of trust, this unfairly builds a physiologically felt case ‘for’ the friend and ‘against’ the partner, forming mental images in the brain that associate pleasurable and painful sensations accordingly.
5. Obsessively thinking or daydreaming about the person. If you find yourself looking forward to seeing the person, cannot wait to share news, think about what you’re going to tell them when you’re apart, and imagine their excitement, you’re in trouble. This sense of expectation, excitement, and anticipation releases dopamine in reward centers of your brain, reinforcing toxic patterns. Obsessively thinking about the person is an obvious signal that something is wrong. After all, you don’t do this with your friends, right?
6. Believing this person ‘gets’ you like no other. It always appears this way in affairs and romantic encounters at the start. It’s an illusion, and in the case of emotional infidelity, one that is dangerous to a marriage because the sense of mutual ‘understanding’ forms a bond that strengthens and deepens emotional intimacy, with the release of pleasurable neurochemicals, such as the love and safety hormone oxytocin. This focus also puts you in a ‘getting’ frame of mind. It means you are approaching your marriage in terms of what you’re getting or not getting, rather than what you’re contributing.
7. Pulling out of regular activities with your partner, family, work. Being absorbed with desire to spend more and more time talking, sharing, being with the person, it’s only natural to begin to resent time you spend on responsibilities and activities at home (and work?). As a result, you begin to pull away, turn down, or make excuses for not joining regular activities with your partner and family. Family members notice you are withdrawn, irritable and unhappy.
8. Keeping what you do secret and covering up your trail. Secrecy itself is a warning sign. It creates a distinct closeness between two people, and at the same time grows the distance between them and others. Secrets create a special bond, most often an unhealthy one. For example, there may be a false sense of emotional safety and trust with the person, and an unwarranted mistrust and suspicion of the partner, or those who try to interfere with the ‘friendship.’
9. Keeping a growing list of reasons that justify your behaviors. This involves an addictive pattern of thinking that focuses your attention on how unhappy you are, why you’re unhappy, and blames your partner and marriage for all aspects of your unhappiness. It builds a dangerous sense of entitlement and forms a pool of resentment from which you feel justified to mistreat your partner or do what you need to increase your happiness without considering the consequences.
10. Fantasizing about a love or sexual relationship with the person. At some point, one or both persons begin to fantasize about having a love or sexual relationship with the other. They may begin to have discussions about this, which adds to the intensity, the intrigue and the intoxicating addictive releases of neurochemicals that make the pattern more entrenched.
11. Giving or receiving personal gifts from the person. Another flag is when the obsession affects your buying behaviors, so that you begin to think about this person when you are shopping, wondering what they like or would show your appreciation. The gift choices are something intimate items that you would not give ‘just’ a friend. Gifts send clear messages that the two of you are a ‘close we’ set apart from others, and that the relationship is ‘special.’
12. Planning to spend time alone together or letting it happen. This is the warning sign that, when not heeded, most often pushes partners to cross the line from a platonic to a sexual relationship.
Despite good intentions and promises to one another that they would not let ‘anything’ happen, it’s a setup, a matter of time, when opposite-sex friends flirt with the availability of time alone.
The Good News: Just like any other relationship problem if the couple is committed to taking the action or steps necessary to repair the damage that may be done, the relationship will recover.
The first step: Do not try to minimize the impact of the emotional affair. Be honest about how it has hurt your relationship and your partner.
The second step: Get some professional help, like the kind offered at the Counseling Center of New Smyrna Beach, don’t try to do it alone. Call us at 386-423-9161 or look us up at www.ccnsb.com. Invest the time and energy into healing the relationship that was put into the affair.
The third step: Pick up a copy of the book After the Affair by Janis Spring Ph.D. and start to work on ways to rebuild the trust that has been damaged.