NEW SMYRNA BEACH -- One of the interesting challenges in my practice these days is the text. Often times even during sessions, people are prone to reply to the text. It has become a standard of acceptable behavior. It also has become one of the most dangerous ways to flirt and when in a relationship. You are great at the text and are proud of it.
Often finding yourself heavy texting with a crush or brand new love interest, you delight in the back-and-forth tease, the dings announcing his or her new message. Crafting witty responses keeps your brain sharp and you on your toes. When you talk to your friends, they complain that the men or women they’re dating text too much. “It’s not even real communication!” they exclaim. “Why don’t they ever just pick up the phone and call?” But not you.
You’re happy to stick to texts for as long as possible. Far from being daunted by a guy or girl who never picks up the phone, you’ll dodge their calls and let them go straight to voicemail so you can text them back. If this sounds like you, you could be flirting with disaster. While it’s fun, and even sometimes downright dirty to be a master at texting, it could put you at risk for these dating pitfalls, especially early on in a relationship. So let your fingers do the talking if you must, but proceed with caution.
1. Too much titillation
Having a new person in your life is exciting to begin with. But add impassioned back-and-forth texting to the mix and it could be too exciting. Bored at work, you hear that longed for beep of a new message and practically jump out of your seat. Please let it be them, please let it be them! You pray, manically rummaging through your bag or pockets finally locating your phone. IT IS!
You quickly dash off a reply and then stare at your phone, eagerly waiting for them to respond. When he or she does, you’re so giddy you want to burst into a snoopy dance or happy dance, but decide not to because your co-worker is giving you that look. This kind of excitement, particularly as you are just getting to know someone, sets you up for spikes of extreme highs and lows.
Being catapulted to such heights of bliss by texts from this person means there’s nowhere to go but down. The relationships that have the greatest chance of deepening and lasting are those that are more even-keeled and not characterized by such dramatic ups and downs. Beside you are getting paid and shouldn’t be on your phone anyways!
2. Time delay disappointment
The flip-side of texting titillation, waiting for a response that doesn’t always come immediately, can knock you right off cloud nine. In real life, when you’re flirting with someone you get instant gratification; you say something cute, and they looks at you like they wants to rip your clothes off. In text life, you could write the most adorably flirtatious message, and get nothing back but silence. They may still want to rip your clothes off, but you won’t know for hours or even days until they grace you with a reply.
During this waiting period, your mind has the opportunity to spiral out into irrational thoughts such as, they met someone else, they don’t want to date me anymore, I’ll never hear from them again, and I’m a pathetic loser and no one will ever love me again! Even if the only reason you haven’t heard back is because they don’t have their phone on them while they are at the gym or they are busy telling their best friend how crazy they are about you.
The purpose of flirting is to feel sexy, not rejected, but flirtatious texting has a precarious stop-start rhythm that can more often lead to the latter.
The purpose of flirting is to feel sexy, not rejected, but flirtatious texting has a precarious stop-start rhythm that can more often lead to the latter.
3. Fast track to fantasy land
Another hallmark of a healthy relationship is staying out of fantasy and grounded in reality. Flirty texting is like taking the express train to fantasy land. Both you and the object of your affection get to be the best, wittiest, most articulate versions of yourselves over text. Taking your time to compose the perfect response, you can be as sexy and confident as you want to be, when in real life you might awkwardly stumble over your words, trip on your shoelace, and/or turn red with embarrassment.
Not only can you be flawless in a text, but they can quickly become your fantasy partner. Since messages are generally pretty short, there’s so much left unsaid that you can fill in with your imagination. Mining for subtext, it’s easy to pretend that things are a lot more serious than they really are and get ahead of yourself and out of touch with where this relationship actually stands.
4. Building a false sense of intimacy
Engaging in flirty text conversations that last well into the night, you feel intensely close this person. Volleying back and forth about everything from the details of your day to your most cherished hopes and dreams, it seems like they are your boyfriend or girlfriend even though you just started dating.
This intimate illusion is deceptive though, because they are not your boyfriend or girlfriend and you only met them last week. In the moment, a 150-character text can seem like an intimate way to connect, but texting is one of the least effective modes for fostering true intimacy; phone is better and in person communication is best. Exchanging personal messages can make you feel like you’re really getting to know this person, but if you added up your texting time it might come out to just five to ten minutes of time spent “together” that day.
Real intimacy is three-dimensional and can only be cultivated beyond a screen and through actual interactions. There is a saying I tell my patients who are trying to date or get a partner back. Stay in their brain and they won’t stop thinking about you.
5. Overexposure
Your fun, flirty text will soon lead into the realm of sexting. In fact, it is not uncommon these days for a person to ask for a naked photo from you. Yes, it’s super-sexy to add sizzle to your relationship by sending suggestive messages or pictures. But if you just met the person, know that your words may not be for their eyes only if they decide to show their friends what an awesome person their dating.
Even if you know and trust them, technical glitches happen, and texts accidentally get forwarded or addressed to the wrong recipient, and you never know who else is looking at their phone. So just do an extra round of proofreading before sending your X-rated message to make sure it’s going to the right place and not, say, your grandmother or your boss.
One more word of caution if you’re planning to text sexy pictures before you click send, just think to yourself, "Am I totally prepared for this compromising picture of myself to come back to haunt me, maybe tomorrow, maybe at some future time when I least expect it, and completely destroy my life? How will I respond when they show the picture to their friends?"
No really, how many times have you seen the pictures from your friends and be honest? You are not special and neither is the person receiving your text and photo. If the answer is yes, I am ready to have this haunt me or end up online, go ahead and send it. Otherwise, save your naked self for when you see the person and can explore another benefit of face to face communication.
Maybe you’re not ready to stop your sexting or texting just yet, but if you rely on it as your sole form of flirtation, you’re missing out.
While you don’t have to cut out texting completely, you might want to dial it down. Ease up on your hot and heavy and seductive habit and try to use texting to supplement rather than replace other forms of communication. Stepping out of your comfort zone by getting to know someone more over the phone and in person will diversify your flirting portfolio and help you reap the rich rewards of real-life intimacy.
Relationships can be difficult and exciting. However, emotional rollercoasters and getting caught with your pants down can be embarrassing, but believe me, it won’t be the first time a counselor has heard the story. If we can help, please call. The therapists at the Counseling Center of New Smyrna Beach are experienced in dealing with all kinds of situations, even sexting. Please call 386-423-9161or log on at www.ccnsb.com.