One of the hazards of living in Florida are the throngs of long lost friends and relatives who want to “visit." Needless to say, my winter guest list has accelerated since I moved to Ponce Inlet.
That said, I have compiled a check list for perspective guests. Call us perceptive, but we know you aren’t really coming to see us. We are simply providing a room near the beach. Just say, “We want to stay with you because we’re too cheap to stay in a hotel.” We will respect you for your honesty. We might even spring for the hotel because it will save us oodles of money.
This is your vacation; not ours. Please don’t expect us to entertain you. I will happily provide you with a laundry list of things to do. Yes. You will have to get there. Yes. You will have to pay to do something. No. I can’t get special discounts because I live in Florida. There is no Sunshine privilege, despite what you may have heard.
Make plans for rainy days. Sitting in my living room complaining on my only day off doesn’t go far in preserving our friendship. If you are a relative, well we’re stuck with you either way.
Ask us to dinner with the intention of paying. Come on. You’ve taken six showers a day because it’s hot, turned the air down to 60, peed in our pool, eaten every snack you could find, and saved at least a hundred bucks a night on a hotel room. Don’t ask, “Where’s a good place to eat?” and ask if we want to go along.
In the been there; done that world, we know you will eat your weight in seafood, drink until you are silly, then talk about how you don’t have any money and you are thrilled that you are staying with us. If you can’t afford to travel, stay home. We are not lonely.
We don’t need your company and since your visit has already cost us a week’s worth of wages, we don’t want to buy your dinner.
Finally, always remember the golden rule of bunking with a Floridian: If you stay two days, you are company. Three or more days, you are a tenant.
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